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Big Bottomed Girls

Increasingly I’m becoming more and more annoyed with boys and their metabolisms! Yes men suffer with their weight too, no doubt about it. However, what bugs me is their ability to lose it quickly by cutting out beer for example, or retain reasonable bodies with zero effort. A woman would need to cut bread (in fact ALL wheat and chuck in gluten too), chocolate (scrap that ALL sugar), and dairy out of her diet to achieve the same result. (Am aware this isn’t strictly true hard-core fitness peeps, but stick with me.)

(image purchased from Shutterstock)

 Case-and-point, the boyf! (Yeah the guy that held my crutches was indeed kept, so have warned him he’s getting a mention.) He has the most awesome pert arse EVER! It’s simply just not fair. After five months of mine having no gym action, to quote Bridget Jones, it’s the size of Brazil! So to have his beautiful little butt wafted in front of my face is just not on (especially as he hasn’t seen the inside of a gym for a while himself). For an arse that fine I’d need to squat every waking minute of the day, sleep with a Slendertone rigged up to it, and it STILL wouldn’t be enough. Vexes me greatly.

Therefore, as far as I’m concerned summer in my world has been cancelled. Quite literally, if I can get away with wearing black opaque tights right through to winter, I bloody well will. Shorts, skirts, dresses and pretty much anything figure hugging is off the agenda till summer 2015. At the earliest!

Getting harder and harder to do nowadays, as time is most definitely not my friend. The day I turned 30 is the day my internal lard switch was flicked into hyper drive, and I woke up with saddlebags and a butt that rests neatly on the back of my knees! My body has flown south for the winter and seems to have no intention of coming out of hibernation. Think of a ghost town where nature has gone wild and totally taken over, and you’re still not close to the atrocity. Post-apocalyptic my friends!

So, in the autumn of my ‘slammin body’ life, I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m reclaiming it. (This time though without the malnutrition, 24/7 gym use and breaking of multiple bones!)

                         ab-challenge2

join in the 30 day abs challenge here

As a bit of fun, and mostly because it doesn’t take up too much time, myself and Kirsty Pretty have started the 30 Day Ab Challenge. You might have seen it doing the rounds on Facebook. A nice starter for ten, it’s a good way to get back into the game without feeling too overwhelmed. Increasing and varying ab exercises as well as intensity, come July we’ll see if I have abs of goddamn steel. In addition to this though, I thought I’d crack out last year’s 30 Day Squat Challenge (like what I did there?) So maybe, just maybe my buns will also be bun like by July too.

 squat challenge2Join in the 30 day squat challenge

Having been able to start to run again and bearing more weight at the gym, I do appreciate that of course diet is 100% key to this. I can’t really squat till I no longer have the use of my legs and do sit-ups till I throw up and still expect to ram cake in my face. Although we should all partake in most things with moderation, so I can do this too if I really want to (that’s for you Mrs Mighty Maxwell). Considering all things nutritional, I’ve been paying careful attention to Paleo and clean eating.

The Paleo Diet is based on effectively eating the way we were designed to…Like a caveman. Eating meat you could hunt or farm yourself and fruits, vegetables and nuts (etc) that could be grown or found/foraged. Health benefits are immense and include:

• Reduces risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes and most chronic degenerative diseases that affect people in the western world
• Weight loss if you are overweight
• Improved athletic performance
• Slows or reverses the progression of an autoimmune disease
• Improve or eliminate acne
• Sleep better and have more energy throughout the day
• Increased libido
• Improved mental outlook and clarity
• Longer, healthier, more active life

All sounds pretty great to me, so what can and can’t you eat? Normally the stinger as who can realistically prepare scrambled eggs and bloody salmon or an omelette before work? There’s no point starting a diet you can’t a) shop for easily and cheaply, or b) prepare meals for unless you work from home. Therefore, on the menu are things such as:

• Grass-produced meats
• Fish/seafood
• Fresh fruits and veggies
• Eggs
• Nuts and seeds
• Healthier oils (Olive, walnut, flaxseed, macadamia, avocado, coconut)

Things off the menu (always the good stuff):

• Cereal grains
• Legumes (including peanuts)
• Dairy
• Refined sugar
• Potatoes
• Processed foods
• Salt
• Refined vegetable oils

With cereal and potatoes probably being my only bug bear, I’m actually kind of swaying towards it. Paleo is definitely a diet you can maintain – a lifestyle choice over something faddy and unrealistic.

However Clean Eating, although not too dissimilar to Paleo and again a lifestyle choice, so don’t dip in thinking it’s the answer to all your instant weight loss prays. You can do a couple of things. One, remove all chemicals from your diet. With the focus on being healthier over weight loss, you’d avoid all processed foods, and only eat three square meals a day.

Two, (the trendiest method at the moment – frigging hipsters! *rolls eyes*), eating five to six small meals a day, you can eat as many vegetables as you can feasibly get your hands on. Tree, bush, plant or vine...knock yourself out. But stay away from anything modified by us humans. You can also eat lots of meat from your butcher and make sure it’s organic. (This means nothing pre packed from the supermarket basically.) Eat grains. Lots of them.

All pretty obvious, in Lyman’s terms, CUT OUT THE SHIT!

Alternatively though, I could just accept the constant and lovely compliments the boy pays me, and feel happy in my skin, proud of who and what I am..... Haaaaaaah, yeah right! What woman does that?!

Just because it made me laugh, here's Jason Derulo - Wiggle!

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Last modified onFriday, 06 June 2014 11:24

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